Bad Day

Do you ever feel so riddled with anxiety that you can barely move? Did you ever wish your parents would just die? I watched my dad today and I hated him. I hated his baggy sweat pants and his shuffling walk and his bad hearing and his dependence. He never gave me the love and acceptance I wanted and needed from him. It was all criticism. Mom too. She was a wacko and I grew up thinking all the world was a hostile environment. And here I am needing to help them. Why did I come down here? Why did I think I could do this? I thought it would be healing. I thought I had forgiven them long ago. I thought I no longer blamed them for my problems. I take responsibility for myself. I don’t take very good care of myself but I acknowledge my responsibility in my predicament. I just don’t understand me. I want to move to Roswell. The real place, not the show. It’s just a place where no one knows me. A place to start over. A place to play with the idea of aliens among us and all that fun stuff. Actually it probably is the show I want to move to. All that teen/alien angst is a picnic compared to dealing with aging, ailing parents. Dad’s friends keep saying his mind is still sharp but I think he’s losing it big time. I guess he compensates well for them and I know him too well. Mom compensated for her growing dementia and people just didn’t know for a long time. But the family knew. Well, at least writing has gotten me moving a bit. Why can’t I just be young again and grow up with Jason Behr? Or even go back to my old life with Chris? (different parents and sibs though.) I’m ready to move on.

Is my life boring or what?

This is not exactly how I planned this blog to be. It all seems to be about me, me, me and my boring days or my cancer and all that stuff. I want to actively work on my transformation. What does that entail? Making changes. I have a job now. I write for an online “paper” (DVD reviews), I am cured of cancer but my surgical site still hasn’t healed. But I need more! What about all those 50-50 lectures? Meditation? Dancing and walking? Losing weight? All that inspirational reading!!! I returned The Seven Story Mountain unread. I guess I can cut myself some slack. I told my doctor I am really tired and she said “You are still recovering from surgery!” Okay, here’s some slack. More on transformation coming soon; I’m on a brief respite.