Maybe I should start a new blog

After more than a year of “transformation” (from unemployed and depressed to unemployed and depressed) I’ve come to realize I had it all wrong! The very idea of transformation implies that something is wrong and needs to be fixed. As Popeye would say, “I yam what I yam!”. The point is not transformation but discovery…or maybe rediscovery, in my case. So, shall I start a new blog or just keep on with the same title and my “new” philosophy in an awkward struggle with each other? So, all you thousands of readers out there (2?) let me know what you think.

13 Headed Hydra

Wiley once painted me a 13 headed hydra. He was about 5 and it was on a footstool that I have in my living room. Today as I gazed at it I realized I AM a 13 headed hydra. And none of the heads know what the others are up to. I forget things, I lose things, I do too much and collapse into exhaustion, or I do too little and implode into immobility. I hate my life and am determined to take it one day at a time and try to get through this job and then I decide to just quit and the consequences be damned! But I have too much debt for that. The solution is another job. Not a lot of those floating around. What would I do? What can one do with a bachelors in Elementary Education and Math? I can’t do math. My 13 heads are too jumbled. I really don’t know if I can do anything that anyone would pay me for. At least not enough to live on. What a dilemma. Well, we must all sit down and talk sometime. Not now though, I’m too tired.

New Look

How do you like the new look? I think it will be easier to read as the font is larger and black on white is always easier on the eyes. I was motivated by a comment made by a friend of mine who had difficulty reading my blog in its previous format. So Helen, get reading. I know it’s a lot but I want your feedback. Also, feel free to share the link with whomever you want. Helen’s latest post at http://www.helenweaver.com is also an interesting read as is her book “The Awakener”.

We communicated with each other about our blogs and I found we had both written about rain. Without TV or newspaper I don’t keep up well with the news and had not known about the drought conditions in my former stomping grounds. I am glad they got rain. It seems we’ve been getting theirs…everyday! Another great storm the other night. My lawn is as green as can be.

I pray everyday for the earth and the gulf. I am sorry as a human being to be a part of this destruction. This weekend I am going to Sarasota and I am wondering if the oil spill has affected the beaches there and what impact it as had on tourism, the fishing industry and more. (at least I am driving a hybrid which reduces my dependence on fossil fuels). Keep on praying.

I am visiting a friend down there and it will be my first solo adventure in Florida. I am looking forward to cruising in my new car and listening to my ipod through the speakers and seeing some more of Florida and, of course, seeing my friend.

Do I see things changing in my life? Well…maybe. More courage? Or is it foolhardiness? More physical problems. As my shoulder heals with physical therapy, I find my left leg making up for lost pain. And the last couple of days I have had a real hard time with the transition from horizontal to vertical and vice versa. I get quite dizzy and sometimes a little queasy. I fear an aneurism but it’s not frightening enough to consult a doctor yet. I have consulted my sister instead. She doesn’t seem worried. Her friend who had brain aneurisms was extremely sick when she went to the hospital. Okay, I don’t know what’s wrong but I’ve checked my blood pressure and it is sometimes very low, which could account for the problem; but sometimes it is very high, so who knows. The cuff, a wrist type my dad probably ordered from some discount mail order house, is probably unreliable. It could very well be simple dehydration since I have been sweating so much in this extreme heat and humidity. I am drinking more water and less alcohol (haha) so hopefully, I will get better. Otherwise, good-bye all.

Niagara Falls in Florida and the secret?

Quite a storm is blowing through tonight. I heard the thunder and the lights blinked twice, turning off my DVD player each time. Then came the roar of pouring rain. I went out on the porch to watch. The whole sky lit up with the lightning and the rain was so heavy it was bouncing up off the ground. In some places it looked like blades of grass blowing in a stiff gale; in others the dark shiny road shimmered with movement and looked alive. The noise reminded me of the roar of Niagara from a distance. It was coming straight down so the porch was not getting wet. This dry, sandy soil will soak it up and by morning there will be no sign it rained at all. I am grateful for it though, because I meant to water the verbena plants Monica planted last week and I never got around to it. Now I don’t have to.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my transformation lately. I have a job I am looking forward to with only a little fear. I have my prius which I hope I can keep paying for. I am getting out more and accomplishing long-put-off tasks. Weight seems to be the hardest transformation although people keep telling me I look like I lost weight. Hmmmmmm. Haven’t noticed it myself. But then, I don’t weigh myself. I’ll have to try on those brown pants to check it out.

I watched “The Secret” recently and it jibed with a lot of things I already believe. I am going to work the law of attraction: ask for what you want, believe with unwavering faith, and receive. Be grateful for what you have and focus on what you want in your life rather than what you don’t want or have. Thoughts are energy and will draw like energy to you. Both conscious and unconscious thoughts. A good way to bring to awareness unconscious thoughts is to pay attention to your feelings.

I am losing weight (others already see it) and I am getting more fit; and writing. I am going to make a living with my writing. I will let the universe figure out the how of that. Meanwhile I am going to be the best damn teacher there ever was. Tomorrow I go see my classroom, get an idea of what I will need, and hopefully pick up some textbooks. Life is flowing as forcefully as Niagara Falls.

Independence Day

Listening to music on my iPhone. Was it a silly purchase? Of course, but it’s so much fun. Neil Young is singing now, a song from “Tonight’s the Night”, what my friend Mitch called his horror album. It took several repeats for me to get that, what with Mitch’s broad Long Island accent.

Tonight the fireworks will boom and flash. I love it. I hope to get somewhere to see them. Now I am performing such mundane tasks as laundry, dishes, waking up…a lumpish day.

Am I discovering my own independence? Maybe. I still have a lot of demons holding me back but today I feel a particular desire to reach out to others. To extend myself beyond my physical boundaries, which have always been a little too constricting for me. That’s the reason (the metaphysical reason, at least) for the expansion of my body dimensions. My fear required the container and my desire required the expansion of it.

Yesterday I was around a young man who barely spoke but I felt his attention on me. He happens to be attached to a large young woman but is often verbally abusive to her saying things like “no one else will love you because you are so fat” (not in those exact words and this is hearsay, he doesn’t do it in public). Through his silent awareness of me I realized that he loves his woman’s large body and his meanness comes from his own problems with shame and anger. It touched me somehow and made me feel a lot more kindly toward him (and maybe myself).

Everyone of us has our demons, fears, pain, frustrations. Each of us has to find our own way to a more relaxed and happy existence. A way to let it go and enjoy what we have. Becky has a sign on her refrigerator and I will do my best to remember the words: Good Morning, this is God, I will be watching over you and taking care of all your problems so relax, and have a good day.” I thought it was great. I want to copy it exactly and hang it around my house and give it to friends who, like me, worry too much. For me I might word it: Good Morning, this is the Creative Power of the Universe, I am with you and in you so relax, and have a great day.” In the Desiderata (sp?) it says, “you are a part of the universe, you have a right to be here.” Also, “go placidly amid the noise and haste”. We all need to internalize this on a conscious level. We lose it when our parents try to control us as we become more independent and capable of being harmed by our own actions. I’m talking toddlers here, but it could also apply to teens or people of any age. We all react differently. Some become more wild, trying anything and everything for rebellion’s sake; some (like me) enclose themselves in a tight little box that gives us the illusion we can control our lives and avoid pain. Neither way works. (There just ain’t no way to avoid pain in this life.) I’ve actually managed to include the wild side in my tight little box. My box is much bigger now. There’s still a lot to learn.

I wish everyone the insight to find their way to courage and self-fulfillment.

Hmmmmm….

It’s July 3rd and I have been on this transformation roller coaster for almost 8 months. Sometimes I think I’m just not moving at all or I’m regressing (going around that upside down loop). But things are looking up (riding up that loooonnng hill only to come racing down in terror). My self-esteem is better for having been rehired at my school. And I was able to help a friend financially, which feels good and like a blessing for both of us. Mom and Dad are ensconced in a nursing home, together again. This is much better for my dad who had difficulty moving around and riding in the car, not to mention getting rides while my sister and I worked. And he missed my mom terribly even though he saw her 6 days out of 7. I looked around the dining room there at the nursing home the other day and thought about all these people in different stages of nearing the end of their lives. Why do we have to go through this before we die? Yet, they are all still here on this earth living out some kind of life for some reason. Unfinished business? Maybe they were bad…. I’d better be really good so I can die in my sleep. I don’t really fear dying, I fear terrible pain or being disabled. Maybe I’ll call Dr. Kavorkian (sp) when the time comes. Or is he already dead himself? I’ll go to Oregon and die with what little dignity I can muster. I am not so attached to this physical plane. It has not been a lot of fun for me. But I plan on making it fun. Don’t worry, be happy. What a load of crap, I thought. But we might as well, no? I’ve kinda been doing that with money and it’s been working out. Just wait till next year when I go bankrupt. Hahahaha. I won’t worry, I’ll be happy.

I used to fear ending up becoming a bag lady. Well, so be it if I have to. I’ll be the happiest damned bag lady you ever met!

The Longest Day

It’s Summer Solstice today. And I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!! For next year. Tonight will be a time of celebration.

But back to more important things. I’ve gotten a little away from the aliens (though I do think it’s almost time to watch Roswell again) and have become enamored of vampires. Most specifically, those created by Charlaine Harris. Charlaine, you are my hero and my savior these days. I have become a crazed Sookie fan. And I am in love with Eric the Viking Vampire (sorry Jason, but you’re still on my wallpaper and in my heart). After all, all my life Dad told me “Your ancestors were Vikings”. Okay, so I’m a bit nuts. But I am laughing and having fun with it.

Coming back out of the black cloud and feeling once more that transformation is possible. If I can transform myself into a sleeping zombie, I can transform myself into something else, right? So I feel lighter and more in tune with the universe and though my parents’ ailments (particularly my dad’s pain) are difficult to be present with, I am able to spend a little time with them both.

I’m learning how to deal with Mom’s dementia. I can tell her I’ll be back in a little while and she’ll never remember. Friday Dad got a Father’s Day gift from the nursing home where Mom lives and I forgot to bring it into his room at the assisted living place, so I told him I’d give it to him Sunday and by that time he’d have forgotten about it and I could tell him it was from me. That got a laugh out of him. And that was good.

Now it’s time to finish enjoying my longest day and my new job security (at least for the next year).

“T’was brillig and the slithy toves did gire and gimble in the wabe”[sic]

I never thought I would go so long without writing here. It has been a busy and trying time. I am happy to report that I no longer have a hole in my belly. All healed and cleared to go to the pool. Now I’m in physical therapy for a shoulder that’s been bothering me off and on for months. When it got hard to fasten my bra I went to the doctor. Nothing serious if I take care of it now. Overworked muscles from injured rotator cuff. And I am good. Just finished my exercises and am icing it as I write.

I have been getting used to my ailing parents–accepting it, more likely. I spent an hour or so with Mom on Saturday and she was quite lucid. We had a conversation. She still doesn’t remember much but I’m pretty sure she knows who I am. And I had dinner with Dad tonight. I’m getting less pained by seeing his hobble. But I still wish the gods would take them home. No one should live like this. They are poor and there are all kinds of hoops we have to jump through to get her nursing home bill covered. Oh yeah, Mom had to move to another nursing home because they didn’t have a medicaid bed available for her. She seems to be doing better here anyway. Though the decor is pretty shabby, they seem to have a lot of staff and they seem to be quite attentive.

Well, that’s the baby boomer part. Old parents. Physical ailments. In trouble if you haven’t already prepared for retirement. If I have to retire I’ll be eatin’ dog food. At least I’ll have a house and an antique enamel kitchen table to eat it at.

What about Jason Behr? Haven’t thought about him in a while and my search engine keeps sending me to weird, unrelated, unrequested sites so I haven’t been doing as much surfing. Not to mention, I am so dragged out from driving dad, driving 40 minutes each way for work and I work with kids steadily except for a 30 minute lunch from 8:10am to 2:20 or 2:50 pm depending on the day and then planning till 3:15 which often turns to 3:30 or later. Plus physical therapy and I have to watch my netflix movies asap to get my money’s worth. So Jason has taken a back seat. I plan to buy a couple of his movies as soon as I get a little bit caught up on my debt. So what am I saying here? Is this the least bit interesting to anyone? I somehow doubt it. I’m just trying to justify my life being such a cluttered mess and so haphazard. I am gaining weight too and it scares the shit out of me. I need to figure this out or just kill myself. That’s always my solution to problems. Kill myself. Haven’t done it yet. I am gonna lose weight if it KILLS me! So there. At least with the physical therapy I am getting into an exercise routine. And I always do a little aquarobics when I go to the pool.

I miss my friends, I miss New York. I wanna go home. I wish I could work there. Lost my certification now. Can I write a book? I can sure put a lot of words down but do I have any focus? Anything of interest to say to anyone? A blog is, by definition, all about me, me, me. Who wants to read that besides me and one or two other people who know me.

Transformation. I can feel myself transforming. Or is it just the new drugs my psychiatrist prescribed for me? I am feeling more positive, slightly more active and motivated. Still haven’t accomplished much, though. My transformation needs to include: weight loss, improved cardiovascular fitness, risk taking/fearlessness, less drugs and physical problems, more energy (for gardening, making stuff, going places, etc), a home I love to come home to (uncluttered and containing only things I LOVE), seeing and/or communicating more frequently with my friends and satisfying, time and courage for making art, flexible work that makes big bucks (haha, the last one seems impossible.)

Well, ththththat’s all for now folks!

Bad Day

Do you ever feel so riddled with anxiety that you can barely move? Did you ever wish your parents would just die? I watched my dad today and I hated him. I hated his baggy sweat pants and his shuffling walk and his bad hearing and his dependence. He never gave me the love and acceptance I wanted and needed from him. It was all criticism. Mom too. She was a wacko and I grew up thinking all the world was a hostile environment. And here I am needing to help them. Why did I come down here? Why did I think I could do this? I thought it would be healing. I thought I had forgiven them long ago. I thought I no longer blamed them for my problems. I take responsibility for myself. I don’t take very good care of myself but I acknowledge my responsibility in my predicament. I just don’t understand me. I want to move to Roswell. The real place, not the show. It’s just a place where no one knows me. A place to start over. A place to play with the idea of aliens among us and all that fun stuff. Actually it probably is the show I want to move to. All that teen/alien angst is a picnic compared to dealing with aging, ailing parents. Dad’s friends keep saying his mind is still sharp but I think he’s losing it big time. I guess he compensates well for them and I know him too well. Mom compensated for her growing dementia and people just didn’t know for a long time. But the family knew. Well, at least writing has gotten me moving a bit. Why can’t I just be young again and grow up with Jason Behr? Or even go back to my old life with Chris? (different parents and sibs though.) I’m ready to move on.

It’s a common baby-boomer issue

Mom is in the hospital and now she can’t go back to the assisted living facility. Dad is having a difficult time of it and is numbing himself with concern about material things like drawing up a plan for dividing the room equitably with a new roommate. He doesn’t want to let go of any of his stuff. Stuff! It’s such a burden. I have the same disease as him. I have too much stuff. Afraid to get rid of it as if it is a part of me or a protection from loss. I see and feel it as a burden. He does not. Dad, you are almost fucking 90! What do you need all this crap for? It will just be more for us to deal with when you finally leave this earth. As it is, moving Mom will be a big ordeal. So much to get rid of. What’s the point of it all? What am I afraid of? What will I miss out on by not having my calculus notes or my binder of proofs from Foundations of Math? Why do I need to keep a squeaky bird I got at a child’s birthday party 15 years ago? All this stuff just clutters up my house, my mind, my life.

I have been feeling pretty hopeless lately. I still have that damn hole in my belly and I’m gaining weight-like I need anymore. If I am this fat and I get real old it will make things really difficult. It is already making everything difficult. Which brings me to the point of what is the point of trying to take better care of myself? It’s a battle between life and death. Right now I want to die young. I don’t want to go through what Mom is going through. I feel like it is a hopeless task to lose weight. Most people can’t do it. If I can’t I might as well die soon. If I can lose it I would have by now don’t you think? Why is this such an issue? It used to be about looks and self-esteem. Now it is about health, pain, medical issues, being a burden (literally) in my old age. I haven’t got any kids to take care of me.

I told Dad, death is a part of life. He said “but I’m not ready to go yet” I asked didn’t his faith help him? and he said yes, it did. My faith tells me that whatever I don’t deal with in this life will be waiting for me to deal with in another life. But I am so tired and sore that I don’t care. I just want to veg out and move on to the next life. At least I can start out young again. Maybe I will be wiser. I have been so stupid in this life. I have not appreciated what I had and not used my gifts. Why can’t I use my gifts? And how do I use them? What am I here for?

Been watching Roswell again. It is such a comfort to me. To see Jason Behr’s characterization of Max Evans and to relive my youth. I just noticed the other day that he has Chris’s legs. Wow! Didn’t get that connection before. What if Chris was the love of my life and I just threw it all away out of fear or some madness? I don’t hold out any hope for love or romance in my life now. Not gonna happen. Fuck it.