Listening to music on my iPhone. Was it a silly purchase? Of course, but it’s so much fun. Neil Young is singing now, a song from “Tonight’s the Night”, what my friend Mitch called his horror album. It took several repeats for me to get that, what with Mitch’s broad Long Island accent.
Tonight the fireworks will boom and flash. I love it. I hope to get somewhere to see them. Now I am performing such mundane tasks as laundry, dishes, waking up…a lumpish day.
Am I discovering my own independence? Maybe. I still have a lot of demons holding me back but today I feel a particular desire to reach out to others. To extend myself beyond my physical boundaries, which have always been a little too constricting for me. That’s the reason (the metaphysical reason, at least) for the expansion of my body dimensions. My fear required the container and my desire required the expansion of it.
Yesterday I was around a young man who barely spoke but I felt his attention on me. He happens to be attached to a large young woman but is often verbally abusive to her saying things like “no one else will love you because you are so fat” (not in those exact words and this is hearsay, he doesn’t do it in public). Through his silent awareness of me I realized that he loves his woman’s large body and his meanness comes from his own problems with shame and anger. It touched me somehow and made me feel a lot more kindly toward him (and maybe myself).
Everyone of us has our demons, fears, pain, frustrations. Each of us has to find our own way to a more relaxed and happy existence. A way to let it go and enjoy what we have. Becky has a sign on her refrigerator and I will do my best to remember the words: Good Morning, this is God, I will be watching over you and taking care of all your problems so relax, and have a good day.” I thought it was great. I want to copy it exactly and hang it around my house and give it to friends who, like me, worry too much. For me I might word it: Good Morning, this is the Creative Power of the Universe, I am with you and in you so relax, and have a great day.” In the Desiderata (sp?) it says, “you are a part of the universe, you have a right to be here.” Also, “go placidly amid the noise and haste”. We all need to internalize this on a conscious level. We lose it when our parents try to control us as we become more independent and capable of being harmed by our own actions. I’m talking toddlers here, but it could also apply to teens or people of any age. We all react differently. Some become more wild, trying anything and everything for rebellion’s sake; some (like me) enclose themselves in a tight little box that gives us the illusion we can control our lives and avoid pain. Neither way works. (There just ain’t no way to avoid pain in this life.) I’ve actually managed to include the wild side in my tight little box. My box is much bigger now. There’s still a lot to learn.
I wish everyone the insight to find their way to courage and self-fulfillment.
