It’s July 3rd and I have been on this transformation roller coaster for almost 8 months. Sometimes I think I’m just not moving at all or I’m regressing (going around that upside down loop). But things are looking up (riding up that loooonnng hill only to come racing down in terror). My self-esteem is better for having been rehired at my school. And I was able to help a friend financially, which feels good and like a blessing for both of us. Mom and Dad are ensconced in a nursing home, together again. This is much better for my dad who had difficulty moving around and riding in the car, not to mention getting rides while my sister and I worked. And he missed my mom terribly even though he saw her 6 days out of 7. I looked around the dining room there at the nursing home the other day and thought about all these people in different stages of nearing the end of their lives. Why do we have to go through this before we die? Yet, they are all still here on this earth living out some kind of life for some reason. Unfinished business? Maybe they were bad…. I’d better be really good so I can die in my sleep. I don’t really fear dying, I fear terrible pain or being disabled. Maybe I’ll call Dr. Kavorkian (sp) when the time comes. Or is he already dead himself? I’ll go to Oregon and die with what little dignity I can muster. I am not so attached to this physical plane. It has not been a lot of fun for me. But I plan on making it fun. Don’t worry, be happy. What a load of crap, I thought. But we might as well, no? I’ve kinda been doing that with money and it’s been working out. Just wait till next year when I go bankrupt. Hahahaha. I won’t worry, I’ll be happy.
I used to fear ending up becoming a bag lady. Well, so be it if I have to. I’ll be the happiest damned bag lady you ever met!
